Tonight on TBN: "When Christian Fundamentalists
True Story: I sneezed as I sat in the theater
waiting for Megiddo: The Omega Code 2. A chorus of
"Bless You's" rained down from the stadium seating
above me, which made me feel a little guilty about ten minutes
later when I had to muffle my laughter in my shirt sleeve.
You see, Michael York informed us that "Whoever controls
Jerusalem at the end of days will rule the world!" I
was expecting Jericho Caine, I mean Arnold Schwarzeneggar,
to burst through the flames to save humanity, but this proclamation
inspired the tidy white man behind me, so he quoted scripture
throughout the entire movie ("See, Revelation 17:8!"
"Look Leviticus 3:8!"). On the other hand, I was
inspired by the second five minutes, which includes an apology
for Richard Nixon and a jab at John F. Kennedy ("Surely
this nation won't elect a Catholic President. Wha Ha
Oh my. And it only got better from there.
Megiddo: The Omega Code 2 is the second film from the
Trinity Broadcasting Network. The first film was the original
The Omega Code, which has me somewhat baffled. The
original ended with a vision of the apocalypse, which resembled
the arcade screen after losing a round of "Asteroids."
Never fear, crusaders: TBN are the same folks who enlighten
us with such programming as "The Power Team," in
which born-again football players prove their devotion to
the Son by tearing phone books in half and crushing giant
blocks of ice with taped fists. And let's not forget my personal
favorite, "The Hammer Hour," featuring TAFKA MC
Hammer hip-hopping around Oakland sanctuaries with gold rings
shining and gold chains flopping, rapping away for Jesus.
This is God's Television, and network TV is under the auspices
of Luciferwhich, after viewing an episode of "The
Amazing Race," TBN and I might be in agreement. The Beast,
thinly disguised as Michael York, informs us that "Television
is my greatest tool. It practically does my work for me! Wha
Ha Ha Ha Ha!" Indeed. Not to mention the fact that television
lost the Vietnam War for the United States, as well as various
other calamities that are peppered throughout Megiddo.
And how do we know that Michael York is actually
Satan? Well, for starters, he was so overcome by jealousy
of his newborn baby brother that he set the crib on fire.
It's a good thing the black servant was there to extinguish
it before things really got hairy. Then I remembered that
"Stone Alexander" was Satan's name in the first
The Omega Code, so I pondered the significance. This
is my guess: "Stone" comes from the Latin "Petra,"
which also happens to be the foundation of the name of the
first Popethe "stone" upon which the first
church was built. But Peter didn't create the church according
to Jesus' orders, so the Pope doesn't rule over the true church
of God. Good thing we've got the Protestants! So if Stone
stands for the Pope, and Stone is the name of Satan, then....THE
POPE IS SATAN! WHA HA HA HA HA!
An unfair accusation, you ask? Then please explain why this
little Problem Child blesses a Catholic priest with a crucifix
of blood! And why does the priest slice his hand with a dagger
and let the blood drip into a Eucharist chalice while Satan
Child partakes of a black unleavened cracker? But I'm getting
ahead of myself. You see, Dad shipped lil' Stony off to military
school in Rome after the crib-burning incident. Why Rome,
you ask? Because this is where little Princes of Darkness
grow up to be Kings of Darkness. And it's a convenient location,
considering that Beelzebub runs the Catholic Church. But don't
worry, the Italians receive their Infinite Justice when Old
Scratch unleashes his minions and a giant fireball flies into
the Coliseum. While a bunch of screaming white people jog
away from a blue screen.
So Stone's dad and little brother David show up at his graduation,
and David casts eyes at a shapely Mediterranean temptress
who just happens to be Stone's girlfriend. I found Gabriella
and Stone's courtship quite fascinating...and foreboding.
She rode around on his Vespa with a sinful grip on his abs.
They aren't even offered the dignity of dialogue, but I guess
there's no time for talking when you've got all that lust
in your heart. Anyway, Stone gets on with the business of
taking over the world, helped out by some digital clouds of
soot with magical choking powers, which actually resemble
The Mummy if dressed in blackface.
We skip forward another fifteen years or so, and I've got
Stone's age calculated at about forty-five, but Dad hasn't
aged, so we're stuck with Michael York calling Richard Hedison
"Dad," despite the appearance that "Dad"
is fifteen years younger than the son. The Lord works in mysterious
ways, I guess. Anyway, David has made his way into Congress,
and Stone, well, Stone's the head of the "European Union."
So Satan is a European Catholic whose mission is to bind the
entire world to his service. Ok, fair enough, I guess, but
this brings us to Act Three of Megiddo, and this is
where TBN gets political. And thus, the real fun begins.
Ok, in the future, Satan has divided the world into ten sectors,
each of which has one vote in the international, intergalactic,
inter-whatever congress. No mention is made of any international
courts, so I'm convinced there is no proper assurance of checks
and balances. But it's reasonable to assume that in Lucifer's
New World Order, no checks or balances would be necessary,
considering that the Chief Executive is Beelzebub Himself.
Stone has come to power by feeding the third worldyes,
that's right, feeding the third world is merely a propaganda
tool for megalomaniacal world leaders. Actually, it's Gabriella's
charge to feed the hungry, like the good wife of a megalomaniacal
world leader should. But all's not well. She talks with David,
who asks her if things are ok: "Yes, we sent 500 million
kilos of food to the hungry." "But are you
happy?" he asks.
No, she's not. Michael York is standing on some amphitheater
stage in front of thousands of "Africans," many
of whom are wearing traditional Wal-Mart tribal garb, and
implores the citizens of the world to be "Citizens in
My New World Union!" Then the "Africans" thrust
York a collective "Heil Hitler!," he laughs, and
then Michael York shoots lightning out his fingers and kills
a bunch of them! So much for feeding the famished masses in
Africaeven the Sphinx crumbles
to the ground in a Satan-induced storm.
This brings us to Armageddon, a jihad fought on the plane
of Megiddo in Israel, where all the world's armies have descended.
The Secretary of State, in a bold diplomatic move, declares
himself "President Pro Tempore," which somehow usurps
now President David's power. The FBI and the Secret Service
start shooting at each other, and David is on the run in a
black jeep with his black lieutenant. They nearly run over
a wayward blind man, and despite the worldwide manhunt, David
follows him into a church, and the zombie-like masses paw
at him asking him to "fight the beast."
Well then, now it's officially on. This is where Megiddo
leaves this planet and enters Bizzaro World. Back on the
field of battle, Michael York pukes up a swarm of bees to
torture the Chinese. You see, the Americans are fighting the
European-dominated World Order (I.E. the Catholics). The ragtag
American forces are waiting for help from the Chinese and
the "Latins"TBN's term
for brown-skinned guys with Mexican flags flying over their
tanks. Then Michael York morphs into some sort of demon resembling
Zool from Ghostbusters with wings. In a moment of resolve,
JesusI mean Davidloads
a handgun and exercises his Second Amendment rights on Satan,
but the sky grows black, and then as Forrest Gump would say,
God shows up. Zool falls to the center of the Earth, yelling
"NOOOOO!!!!," apparently fulfilling the prophecy
of Revelation 17:15. The end. Oh yeah, all the Godless Chinese
and Mexicans die.
If you can't already tell, this crap is frickin' crazy. Jerry
Falwell and Pat Robertson might feel as if they're fighting
the battles of God, Jesus, and Whoever else, but they're just
looney tunes. This movie is so bigoted, misogynist, and absolutely
nonsensical in its politics that I'm at a loss to even attempt
to deconstruct the thought process, especially that crap with
the Chinese and "The Latins." Seriously, these guys
are a bunch of rootin-tootin cowboy bigots with issues with
their own sexuality. They are the American Taliban, as far
as I'm concerned, and while my local ABC station has struck
Bill Maher from the air for his statements, taken entirely
out of context, against our governmentnot
the soldiers in the military, mind you, but the governmentfrickin'
TBN stays on the air so Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson can
blame the worst tragedy in our nation's history on abortion
clinics and the ACLU. They are the American Taliban, and Megiddo
is their Christian Fundamentalist training video. It's
the moral equivalent of the bin Laden video of the poor, susceptible
orphan boys swinging on monkey bars in the desert. Go to
the Megiddo websiteit asks you to testify
how this movie "affected you." I'll tell you how
it affected me, you racist, maniacal pigs: it's the propaganda
of those who wish to exploit the poor and uneducated, and
of those who turn to you because they need something, anything
to believe in. Kind of like the selling lottery tickets to
To be honest, the people I talked to coming
out of the theater were very nice, and one elderly lady even
invited me to her church on Sunday ("It's pot luck, but
you don't have to bring anything if you don't want to. They'll
be plenty for everybody, sweetie.") The guy who quoted
scripture through the whole thing told everyone good-bye as
he walked out the door and offered me a handful of popcorn.
I don't blame them, just like we shouldn't blame the poor
masses in Somalia for the deaths of those American soldiers
Listen, I used to live exactly two blocks
from the International Headquarters of the Assembly of God
Churchyes, that's right, the same place where Jimmy
Swaggart cried on the pulpit. They used their influence to
try to move Springfield's only soup kitchen and homeless shelter
off a street three blocks from their building, presumably
because they were a burden to local property values. I'm not
kidding. They've just a built a church that holds literally
thousands of people and cost many millions to build. But according
to a source I have in the organization, that church gives
one of the lowest percentages of its tithes to charities as
any single congregation in the denomination. They will get
their reckoning, I assure you, and I know that "Judge
not lest ye be judged," but I'm still giving this piece
of crap zero stars. I don't understand why reviewers aren't
attacking this thing. They just brush it off for its low production
values and bad acting. That's all true, the apocalyptic battle
scene looks like a combination of Congo and South
Park, but somehow it gets a free pass from the media.
This is the same media that's refused to report J.C. Watts
stuffing a parking ticket down the shirt of an officer at
an airport when Watts parked at the curb. Liberal bias in
the media my black little heart. Whatever. I'm not going to
criticize someone's tragic devotion to insane ideas for a
sense of comfort (See
my Hearts In Atlantis review). I really would like
to bring a green bean casserole to the pot luck, but I just
couldn't bake it without thinking that somehow it empowers
Jerry Falwell. So thank you Brian Trenchard-Smith, this must
be your repentance. You've made Night of the Demons 2,
Leprechaun 3 and 4, and some episodes
of "Silk Stalkings." It sounds like you've sinned,
but I hope you feel better now. The only humor I can find
in this is that Trenchard-Smith made BMX Bandits, Nicole
Kidman's debut. At least he's found one angel in his film
career. This is the work of Satan.