Megiddo: The Omega Code 2

Starring:
  • Congo and South Park Quality Computer Animation
  • Michael York as Satan
  • The Crazy Ideas of Ultra-Right Wing Christian Fundamentalists

 

Directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith "You're telling me that Tammy Faye Bakker is a hero to gay people? Alert Lord Falwell and have her threatened, humiliated, and embarrassed immediately! "

Tonight on TBN: "When Christian Fundamentalists Attack!"

True Story: I sneezed as I sat in the theater waiting for Megiddo: The Omega Code 2. A chorus of "Bless You's" rained down from the stadium seating above me, which made me feel a little guilty about ten minutes later when I had to muffle my laughter in my shirt sleeve. You see, Michael York informed us that "Whoever controls Jerusalem at the end of days will rule the world!" I was expecting Jericho Caine, I mean Arnold Schwarzeneggar, to burst through the flames to save humanity, but this proclamation inspired the tidy white man behind me, so he quoted scripture throughout the entire movie ("See, Revelation 17:8!" "Look Leviticus 3:8!"). On the other hand, I was inspired by the second five minutes, which includes an apology for Richard Nixon and a jab at John F. Kennedy ("Surely this nation won't elect a Catholic President. Wha Ha Ha Ha!")

Oh my. And it only got better from there. Megiddo: The Omega Code 2 is the second film from the Trinity Broadcasting Network. The first film was the original The Omega Code, which has me somewhat baffled. The original ended with a vision of the apocalypse, which resembled the arcade screen after losing a round of "Asteroids." Never fear, crusaders: TBN are the same folks who enlighten us with such programming as "The Power Team," in which born-again football players prove their devotion to the Son by tearing phone books in half and crushing giant blocks of ice with taped fists. And let's not forget my personal favorite, "The Hammer Hour," featuring TAFKA MC Hammer hip-hopping around Oakland sanctuaries with gold rings shining and gold chains flopping, rapping away for Jesus. This is God's Television, and network TV is under the auspices of Lucifer—which, after viewing an episode of "The Amazing Race," TBN and I might be in agreement. The Beast, thinly disguised as Michael York, informs us that "Television is my greatest tool. It practically does my work for me! Wha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" Indeed. Not to mention the fact that television lost the Vietnam War for the United States, as well as various other calamities that are peppered throughout Megiddo.

And how do we know that Michael York is actually Satan? Well, for starters, he was so overcome by jealousy of his newborn baby brother that he set the crib on fire. It's a good thing the black servant was there to extinguish it before things really got hairy. Then I remembered that "Stone Alexander" was Satan's name in the first The Omega Code, so I pondered the significance. This is my guess: "Stone" comes from the Latin "Petra," which also happens to be the foundation of the name of the first Pope—the "stone" upon which the first church was built. But Peter didn't create the church according to Jesus' orders, so the Pope doesn't rule over the true church of God. Good thing we've got the Protestants! So if Stone stands for the Pope, and Stone is the name of Satan, then....THE POPE IS SATAN! WHA HA HA HA HA!

An unfair accusation, you ask? Then please explain why this little Problem Child blesses a Catholic priest with a crucifix of blood! And why does the priest slice his hand with a dagger and let the blood drip into a Eucharist chalice while Satan Child partakes of a black unleavened cracker? But I'm getting ahead of myself. You see, Dad shipped lil' Stony off to military school in Rome after the crib-burning incident. Why Rome, you ask? Because this is where little Princes of Darkness grow up to be Kings of Darkness. And it's a convenient location, considering that Beelzebub runs the Catholic Church. But don't worry, the Italians receive their Infinite Justice when Old Scratch unleashes his minions and a giant fireball flies into the Coliseum. While a bunch of screaming white people jog away from a blue screen.

So Stone's dad and little brother David show up at his graduation, and David casts eyes at a shapely Mediterranean temptress who just happens to be Stone's girlfriend. I found Gabriella and Stone's courtship quite fascinating...and foreboding. She rode around on his Vespa with a sinful grip on his abs. They aren't even offered the dignity of dialogue, but I guess there's no time for talking when you've got all that lust in your heart. Anyway, Stone gets on with the business of taking over the world, helped out by some digital clouds of soot with magical choking powers, which actually resemble The Mummy if dressed in blackface.

We skip forward another fifteen years or so, and I've got Stone's age calculated at about forty-five, but Dad hasn't aged, so we're stuck with Michael York calling Richard Hedison "Dad," despite the appearance that "Dad" is fifteen years younger than the son. The Lord works in mysterious ways, I guess. Anyway, David has made his way into Congress, and Stone, well, Stone's the head of the "European Union." So Satan is a European Catholic whose mission is to bind the entire world to his service. Ok, fair enough, I guess, but this brings us to Act Three of Megiddo, and this is where TBN gets political. And thus, the real fun begins.

Ok, in the future, Satan has divided the world into ten sectors, each of which has one vote in the international, intergalactic, inter-whatever congress. No mention is made of any international courts, so I'm convinced there is no proper assurance of checks and balances. But it's reasonable to assume that in Lucifer's New World Order, no checks or balances would be necessary, considering that the Chief Executive is Beelzebub Himself. Stone has come to power by feeding the third worldyes, that's right, feeding the third world is merely a propaganda tool for megalomaniacal world leaders. Actually, it's Gabriella's charge to feed the hungry, like the good wife of a megalomaniacal world leader should. But all's not well. She talks with David, who asks her if things are ok: "Yes, we sent 500 million kilos of food to the hungry." "But are you happy?" he asks.

No, she's not. Michael York is standing on some amphitheater stage in front of thousands of "Africans," many of whom are wearing traditional Wal-Mart tribal garb, and implores the citizens of the world to be "Citizens in My New World Union!" Then the "Africans" thrust York a collective "Heil Hitler!," he laughs, and then Michael York shoots lightning out his fingers and kills a bunch of them! So much for feeding the famished masses in Africaeven the Sphinx crumbles to the ground in a Satan-induced storm.

This brings us to Armageddon, a jihad fought on the plane of Megiddo in Israel, where all the world's armies have descended. The Secretary of State, in a bold diplomatic move, declares himself "President Pro Tempore," which somehow usurps now President David's power. The FBI and the Secret Service start shooting at each other, and David is on the run in a black jeep with his black lieutenant. They nearly run over a wayward blind man, and despite the worldwide manhunt, David follows him into a church, and the zombie-like masses paw at him asking him to "fight the beast."

Well then, now it's officially on. This is where Megiddo leaves this planet and enters Bizzaro World. Back on the field of battle, Michael York pukes up a swarm of bees to torture the Chinese. You see, the Americans are fighting the European-dominated World Order (I.E. the Catholics). The ragtag American forces are waiting for help from the Chinese and the "Latins"TBN's term for brown-skinned guys with Mexican flags flying over their tanks. Then Michael York morphs into some sort of demon resembling Zool from Ghostbusters with wings. In a moment of resolve, JesusI mean Davidloads a handgun and exercises his Second Amendment rights on Satan, but the sky grows black, and then as Forrest Gump would say, God shows up. Zool falls to the center of the Earth, yelling "NOOOOO!!!!," apparently fulfilling the prophecy of Revelation 17:15. The end. Oh yeah, all the Godless Chinese and Mexicans die.

If you can't already tell, this crap is frickin' crazy. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson might feel as if they're fighting the battles of God, Jesus, and Whoever else, but they're just looney tunes. This movie is so bigoted, misogynist, and absolutely nonsensical in its politics that I'm at a loss to even attempt to deconstruct the thought process, especially that crap with the Chinese and "The Latins." Seriously, these guys are a bunch of rootin-tootin cowboy bigots with issues with their own sexuality. They are the American Taliban, as far as I'm concerned, and while my local ABC station has struck Bill Maher from the air for his statements, taken entirely out of context, against our governmentnot the soldiers in the military, mind you, but the government—frickin' TBN stays on the air so Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson can blame the worst tragedy in our nation's history on abortion clinics and the ACLU. They are the American Taliban, and Megiddo is their Christian Fundamentalist training video. It's the moral equivalent of the bin Laden video of the poor, susceptible orphan boys swinging on monkey bars in the desert. Go to the Megiddo website—it asks you to testify how this movie "affected you." I'll tell you how it affected me, you racist, maniacal pigs: it's the propaganda of those who wish to exploit the poor and uneducated, and of those who turn to you because they need something, anything to believe in. Kind of like the selling lottery tickets to the poor.

To be honest, the people I talked to coming out of the theater were very nice, and one elderly lady even invited me to her church on Sunday ("It's pot luck, but you don't have to bring anything if you don't want to. They'll be plenty for everybody, sweetie.") The guy who quoted scripture through the whole thing told everyone good-bye as he walked out the door and offered me a handful of popcorn. I don't blame them, just like we shouldn't blame the poor masses in Somalia for the deaths of those American soldiers in 1993.

Listen, I used to live exactly two blocks from the International Headquarters of the Assembly of God Church—yes, that's right, the same place where Jimmy Swaggart cried on the pulpit. They used their influence to try to move Springfield's only soup kitchen and homeless shelter off a street three blocks from their building, presumably because they were a burden to local property values. I'm not kidding. They've just a built a church that holds literally thousands of people and cost many millions to build. But according to a source I have in the organization, that church gives one of the lowest percentages of its tithes to charities as any single congregation in the denomination. They will get their reckoning, I assure you, and I know that "Judge not lest ye be judged," but I'm still giving this piece of crap zero stars. I don't understand why reviewers aren't attacking this thing. They just brush it off for its low production values and bad acting. That's all true, the apocalyptic battle scene looks like a combination of Congo and South Park, but somehow it gets a free pass from the media. This is the same media that's refused to report J.C. Watts stuffing a parking ticket down the shirt of an officer at an airport when Watts parked at the curb. Liberal bias in the media my black little heart. Whatever. I'm not going to criticize someone's tragic devotion to insane ideas for a sense of comfort (See my Hearts In Atlantis review). I really would like to bring a green bean casserole to the pot luck, but I just couldn't bake it without thinking that somehow it empowers Jerry Falwell. So thank you Brian Trenchard-Smith, this must be your repentance. You've made Night of the Demons 2, Leprechaun 3 and 4, and some episodes of "Silk Stalkings." It sounds like you've sinned, but I hope you feel better now. The only humor I can find in this is that Trenchard-Smith made BMX Bandits, Nicole Kidman's debut. At least he's found one angel in his film career. This is the work of Satan.

 

The Pitch:
0 "The 700 Club"
Plus
0 Battlefield Earth
Equals
   
0 Megiddo: The Omega Code 2
See It For:

The fallout from John Ashcroft's "empowering" of the Rio Grande Border Patrol.