We rate films on a five point system,
using what we like to call "The Pitch."
Studios are so concerned with giving us the same damn
formulas over and over again that we decided to rate
their films with formulas. When sitting through
a terrible movie, try to put yourself in the position
of the stuido executive who green-lighted this crap.
Like the guy who gave the OK to Pay It Forward.
He had to have listened to some producer say, "It
will be kind of tragic, because the kid gets gutted,
but then it'll really uplifting because at the end everybody
will cry. And it has, uh, who's the kid that's
really good...little Forrest...yeah, Haley Joel Osment,
that's right. So it'll be like Forrest Gump.
And then we'll have Helen Hunt in it, and...she'll
be an alcoholic, just like that guy who used to be really
good but sucks now...Nic Cage, that's right. So
that must mean they'll live in...Las Vegas...yeah, that's
the ticket. So it'll be like Forrest Gump meets
Leaving Las Vegas. We'll be polishing our
Oscars until frickin' Bruckheimer wins Best Picture!"
But it didn't work out that way, did it? Thus
comes "The Pitch." Since studios only
seem interested in pitching us formulas, we're going
to formulate their pitches. But it can work for
quality films as well. For instance, American
Beauty is a bit of cross between Robert Redford's
suburban family in Ordinary People and Stanley
Kubrick's Lolita, so American Beauty would