Explanation of "The Pitch" Ratings System

We rate films on a five point system, using what we like to call "The Pitch."  Studios are so concerned with giving us the same damn formulas over and over again that we decided to rate their films with formulas.  When sitting through a terrible movie, try to put yourself in the position of the stuido executive who green-lighted this crap.  Like the guy who gave the OK to Pay It Forward.  He had to have listened to some producer say, "It will be kind of tragic, because the kid gets gutted, but then it'll really uplifting because at the end everybody will cry.  And it has, uh, who's the kid that's really good...little Forrest...yeah, Haley Joel Osment, that's right.  So it'll be like Forrest Gump.  And then we'll have Helen Hunt in it, and...she'll be an alcoholic, just like that guy who used to be really good but sucks now...Nic Cage, that's right.  So that must mean they'll live in...Las Vegas...yeah, that's the ticket.  So it'll be like Forrest Gump meets Leaving Las Vegas.  We'll be polishing our Oscars until frickin' Bruckheimer wins Best Picture!"

But it didn't work out that way, did it?  Thus comes "The Pitch."  Since studios only seem interested in pitching us formulas, we're going to formulate their pitches.  But it can work for quality films as well.  For instance, American Beauty is a bit of cross between Robert Redford's suburban family in Ordinary People and Stanley Kubrick's Lolita, so American Beauty would get:

The Pitch:
ordpeople.bmp (31974 bytes) ordpeople.bmp (31974 bytes)
2 Ordinary People
lolita.jpg (1836 bytes) lolita.jpg (1836 bytes)
2 Lolita
ambeautythumb.jpg (3415 bytes) ambeautythumb.jpg (3415 bytes) ambeautythumb.jpg (3415 bytes) ambeautythumb.jpg (3415 bytes)
4 American Beauty
See It For:
ambeautylarge.jpg (54302 bytes)
Kevin Spacey not doing anything to squash those gay rumors.